plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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