So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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