I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
