I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
