I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
