You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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