she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
