they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
