if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
