Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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