I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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