I molested 6 butterflies tonight
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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