My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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