true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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