Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
People with herpes should wear stickers.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
