I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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