every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
