You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
