he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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