How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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