I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
