I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
