The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
