Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I AM VODKA MAN
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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