Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
