The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
