No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
