finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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