and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
