Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
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Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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