I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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