I'm going to jail i love you
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
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i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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