I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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