I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
