I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
