Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I would ride that face into the sunset
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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