Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
