I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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