lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
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