life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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