she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
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I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short