Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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