I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
