someone threw a dead crab at me
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
