When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
