Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
