it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
