Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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