All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
