i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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