How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
