your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
