and my herpes radar will keep us safe
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
