I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
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