Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
