I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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