If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
