don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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