my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
