Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
