I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
