I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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