I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
